A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He replied, "Thank you, I’ll have chicken."
"Don’t be stupid. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat."
Granddaughter being instructed about drink driving.
Annabel aged 4yrs
You must never drink & drive Annabel.
No Dad because you might spill it.
Fun with words
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man…
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?"
A young farm boy comes down for breakfast. His mother asks if he has done his chores.
‘Not yet,’ said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig…
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon and why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.
‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, ‘You gonna tell him or should I?’
A Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?" A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A lieutenant said it was 50-50%. An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
There were two Irishmen working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,
The other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, "What are you doing with those?"
He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"
A Russian and a Czechoslovakian were out hunting one day and were attacked and eaten by a Ma Ma Bear and a Pa Pa Bear. The two bears were finally found and shot. They took both bears back for an autopsy. They found the Czech was in the male.
A Texan, an Englishman and a Frenchman are having a drink.
The Texan says, "I know this bar in Dallas that if you buy one drink the next one is on the house."
The Englishman says, "That’s great but I know a bar in London where if you buy a drink the next two are on the house."
The Frenchman says, "Big deal, in Paris there is a bar where all the drinks are free and they take you in back to get you laid".
The Texan and the Englishman are intrigued. "Where is this wonderful bar?", asked the Englishman.
"I don’t know", replied the Frenchman, I’ve never been there. But my sister goes all the time".