The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Husband is prone to dislocating his kneecap when he over exerts himself, and wife is familiar with the urgency of relocating said kneecap. The cure is to place the lower leg on the same plane as the upper leg in very short time so the offending kneecap will slide back into position.

Two of our four teenage children were still living at home on the night when amorous husband decided to bring a liquid nightcap into the marriage bedroom. Husband placed the drinks & treats alluringly on a tray for his beloved and headed for the bedroom. The door was gently closed for the intimacy required on this night and husband glided alluringly to wife’s bedside.

As husband twisted to sit on edge of bed, the recurring kneecap popped out and husband screamed out loud in excruciating pain. Tray projected into the air and glasses and their contents sprayed the bed, the husband and beloved.

Knowing how to rectify husband’s condition, wife, yelled over top of husband’s scream, "straighten it, straighten it", to the wonder and curiosity of the teenagers in the next bedroom. Unbeknown to the children, wife was referring to husband’s leg,

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…..

He propped up his gun in the corner of his duck blind.Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genials. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.’ ‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.

‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive birdshot damage done to your pen-s. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’

‘Well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’

‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t weee everywhere.

Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.

My son is notorious for using strange voices and pretending he is different people every time he rings family or friends. This morning he returns to Australia from his honeymoon and I was hoping for a text message to say he had landed safely.

The phone rang at 9:30 am. An amusing voice told me that he was running late but would be at my place in a couple of hours.

Surprised and flattered that he would consider seeing his parents on his first day back, I gushed that I would love to see my darling as soon as possible and that we could catch up on everything and have a lovely lunch together.

"Madam, the voice declared after a brief pause,"I’m the man putting in your insulation and I’ve been held up at another job!"

Shocked and embarassed I blurted out,"Oh! I’m so sorry! I thought you were my son! He’s always putting on funny accents! I mean he uses different voices. Oh! I’m so sorry….."

How am I going to face him when he comes to the door?

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television…and later to the remote control. –Dave Berry

On ageing

  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Just another in regard to getting words mixed up in church and prayers etc.

I always thought God’s name was Peter. My parents could never work out why I thought it was Peter and I couldn’t work out why they didn’t know….. Remember at the end of prayers the priest would say "Thanks be to God"….well I always thought it said "Thanks, Peter God", thus his name was Peter!!

True story

My younger brother had met a Polish girl (has since married her) and my first opportunity to meet her was on a Saturday morning when the three of us were strolling down the street of a busy little village, looking in the shop windows. We weren’t trying to stay together, just strolling along.

From close behind me I heard her voice, obviously directed at me -"I’d like to make love in de oil ". My mind raced…. surely not!. "Sorry?" I said turning back towards her (and checking how far away my brother was).

She repeated "I’d like to make love in de oil ".

My concerns (oh okay, also my fantasies) were dismissed when I realised that she was looking in the window of the aromatherapy shop. "Oh, you’d like to make your own lavender oil? That’s nice."

Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving. He was given six months but the police don’t think he will finish his sentence.

It was reported in today’s Melbourne “Age” that a group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington yesterday to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their bodies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."

"No, Madam," he replied, "I’m riding Cupid’s Arrow in the 5th at 2.15.