I was reading my class a story titled ‘The Magic School Bus.’ In the story, the bus turns into a spaceship and the teacher takes the class on a tour of the planets. At one point, a tail light gets smashed and the teacher goes out in a spacesuit to fix it. Suddenly, the line that ties her to the rocket breaks and she floats off into space, leaving the children alone.
I asked my class of six-year-olds how they would feel and what they might do if they were on the bus. "I’d scream like a woman!" the first little fellow declared.
My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"
"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the Car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seats and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don’t Understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 162."
My husband, a computer expert, often troubleshoots for people like me who are still struggling to learn basic computer functions. One day I called him at work when I had a minor disaster. As I listened with pencil poised, ready to record his instructions, he said, "Okay, here’s what you need to do. Go downstairs, put the tea kettle on, and don’t touch the computer again until I come home."
Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank still don’t know how to swipe their card through the ATM card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often find ourselves having to explain how it’s done. One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her tell one man, "Strip down facing me."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
Not so far from the truth from Julie(see last week)
Many years ago as a boy we visited my mother’s parents in Richmond, Victoria and got there just as they were finishing lunch.
The ‘Old Boy’ was looking distinctly down-in-the-mouth as he wiped his face with a napkin and Mum asked him what he was grouchy about.
"What do you think I’m annoyed at?" he said: I got sausages and bread for my lunch and the damn dog got half a roast chook your mother cooked for her!"
Fun with words
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." –Stephen Leacock
"Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens." –Nick Diamos
"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." –Samuel Butler
My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: "I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
"But, Miss," replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, "Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it."
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn’t matter," she said. "Just get out."
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said….
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."