"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
-Demetri Martin
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong."
—Milton Berle
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
Teenager Daughter Owner’s Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Teenager Owner’s Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
- look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
- refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
- Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
A grade 2 teacher was teaching her students about probability. She had a masking tape line on the classroom floor with ‘likely’ at one end, and ‘impossible’ at the other. When she made a statement, the students had to stand on an appropriate place on the line. "I will see a flying pig today" had one child on "impossible" and another dithering between that and "unlikely". The teacher tried some open-ended questioning- "What would a pig need to fly?"
The answer- "A cape?"
True story, and tired teachers in week 11 of a 12 week term fell about laughing in our meeting last night.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn’t married, I’d give this stupid game up!"
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. ‘She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’
Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’ ‘An arm and a leg.’
Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib ?
Of course the rest is history….. …….!! !!
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!"
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole."