Two cannibals were sitting down and were in the middle of feasting on a couple of clowns when one cannibal stopped eating and said to the other.. “Did that taste a bit funny to you?”
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”
“Yes,”
“Well, today I didn’t do it!”
A traveling salesman knocked on a farmer’s door late one night and requested a place to sleep for the night.
“We’re a little tight on space,” said the farmer, “so I’m going to have to put you in with my three sons.”
“Oh, pardon me,” said the salesman, “I must be in the wrong joke.”
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate ” Where did you get that peg leg from ?”
The Pirate responded” We were sailing overseas when a big ol’ shark came up to me while I was a swimmin’ and bit off me leg!”
Later the Bartender asked” Where did you get that hook from then ?” The Pirate responded ” Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone”.
The Bartender then asked” Where did you get that eye patch from ?” The Pirate said ” In a harbour . .I looked at a gull flying overhead and it took a dump right in me eye !”
The Bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, “How would that make you get an eye patch ?”
The pirate responded, “First day with the hook!”
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. —Frederick Ryder
A man approached a beautiful young woman in a supermarket and asked, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, “If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.”
A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. “I’ve locked myself out of my car” replies the man. “That’s not a problem” replied the passer-by, “Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my b u m on the door”.
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there’s no harm in it letting the man try – it might be worth a laugh. The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver’s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.
“That’s amazing!” says the motorist, “How did you do it?” “It’s easy” replies the pedestrian,……………………. “I’m wearing khaki trousers”
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. —Milton Berle
“Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”-Groucho Marx
It is reported that Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.
She promptly said, “You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.”
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your hus- band came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”
One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Justbe gone by the time I get back’.