The Fabulous Friday Funnies

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m Joe, he’s Jim, we’ll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country…
the history, the beer, the culture…"

"Nah, we don’t like that British crap," says Joe.
"Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re arrogant and rude.’

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive."

A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.
His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn’t.

My doctor said I was paranoid… well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub. Mick says to Paddy, ‘I cant be bothered to walk all that way.’ ‘I know,’
says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.’ ‘We could steal a bus from the depot,’
Mick suggests. They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’ Paddy shouts back, ‘I cant find a No. 91’ ‘Oh Jeysus, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more com- fortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judg- mental, where, of course, men are just grateful. –Jay Leno

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what’s love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about the birds and the bees.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watchin’?"

Billy says, "Wimbledon."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn’t it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it’s Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let’s have a beer."

"My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."– Ron Richards

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’ The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

An oldie but a goodie from Roxanne One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, ‘It’s certainly not a ship.’ As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, ‘Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?’

‘Ten years’ replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
‘Faith and begorrah,’ said the castaway, ‘that is so good!
I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!’

‘And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?’ asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, ‘Ten years.’

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. ‘

‘Tis nectar of the gods!’ shouted the Irishman. ‘ ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!’

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, ‘And how long has it been since you played around?’

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!’

Did you hear about the cannibal who was walking through his favourite part of the forrest? He passed a friend.

The young woman really thought she’d been very patient through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So, how do you like your rice? Steamed or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."