10 reasons we know Santa is a man
- No dress sense.
- Never replies to your letters.
- The chances of getting for are nil.
- Beer belly.
- Will only commit one day a year.
- Obsessed with stockings.
- Never stops to ask for directions.
- Too lazy to shave.
- He always wears the same clothes.
- Only willing to do a job where people leave food and booze out for him… and he doesn’t wash the plate up after him.
One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.
At a recent family function, my uncle sat down to join the group in the lounge room. With all the chairs taken and people already sitting on the floor, my uncle sat against the TV cabinet. As he leant on it, he said "Ow, there’s a knob digging into my back", referring to the door knob on the cabinet. I replied with, "Now you know why women don’t considered that as fore play."
Out of office auto-responses
"I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."
"You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all."
"Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."
"I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."
"Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."
"I’ve run away to join a different circus."
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.
Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here."
"There’s a new product called ‘Texthook’ that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, ‘OMG, just crashed my baby into another baby!’" -Jimmy Fallon
My aunt’s young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had attended church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don’t got tails; we’ve got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.
An oldie but a goodie
A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I’m fishing."
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
"Over the weekend Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. She’s still a celebrity and you can tell she’s spoiled. For example in the holding room she got one call and she called room service." –Jay Leno
Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.
"Mommy, Mommy!" said a little boy after coming from playing. "I just saw a man making a horse!"
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." = 16.
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
The last word on Tiger
"Sources say Tiger has confessed all of his affairs to his wife who has agreed to stay with him if he takes some time off from golf. Tiger said, ‘That’s OK — golf was starting to cut into my time with the ladies.’" -Conan O’Brien