A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You’ll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"
One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.
"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’" –Peter Kay
Classified Ad from local newspaper
09′ Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000
This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.
It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want." doesn’t mean what I thought. Call Steve. 5555-1212.
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?" –Ronnie Shakes
When my two boys were aged 3 and 5 we moved to a country town.Next door was a vacant block and beyond that a house where an old man lived with his very old sister. One day my sons wandered over and talked to the man over his fence.
Soon they came running into the house very excited.
Mum, guess what the man next door is doing? What, I asked?
He’s minding his own business, was the animated reply.The next day the man appeared at my door and gruffly offered me some plums from his tree.
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquorstore and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.
Get help immediately.
For the kids
Q: Why did they have a funeral for the frog?
A: Because he croaked.
Q: Why did the ox lose his job on the farm?
A: Because he couldn’t take a yoke.
Q: Why are movie stars so cool?
A: Because they have so many fans.
Q: Who earns a living driving customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
A little known fact…. The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
"The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece, which came up with an exciting new governing concept called "democracy," from the Greek words dem, meaning "everybody gets to vote," and ocracy, meaning "except, of course women, slaves and poor people." -Dave Barry
The Pope and Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me." So the Pope backhanded the prime minister.
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!" Her husband yells back, "But what should I pack?"
The wife replies, "I DON’T CARE! JUST PACK AND GET THE HELL OUT!"
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"She doesn’t know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn’t know what a phone booth is."
Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. And won first prize.
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."