An elderly gentleman…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Maybe Tiger should change his name to Cheetah?
My infant son and I sat in front of the TV, hostages to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son’s eyes. "He shouldn’t see this."
"It’s okay," my husband replied. "He probably thinks it’s the Food Network."
This happened to me last week. On playground duty I noticed two Year 5 boys who seemed to be fighting or wrestling so I made my way over to them. I noticed that the first of the boys was one with a reputation for losing his cool and lashing out.
Just as I got within range to call out to them, they gave each other a hug. Still not 100% sure if everything was “kosher” I called them over with a light hearted “Come over here cuddly boys”. When they came over I asked them “Now boys, why do you think I called you over here?” The second boy piped up “For acting gay?”
With much difficulty I managed to not laugh and gave them a brief talk about saving the wrestling for outside of school. I quickly sent them on their way so I could burst out with laughter.
I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let’s get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They’re last year’s," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let’s go out to dinner and relax. You’ve been working too hard."
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women
- Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
- Airplanes can be turned on by the flip of a switch.
- Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a "touch and go."
- Airplanes don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.
- Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
- Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
- Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
- Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
- Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
- Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
- Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
- Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
- Airplanes expect to be tied down.
- Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
- Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
- However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good
"Golden Globe nominations are out today. Third year in a row, Pamela Anderson was nominated for ‘Best Golden Globes.’" -David Letterman
When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy.
There are two things I look for before making my selection.
First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label.
This is something I insist on.
Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."
Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.
A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"
The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."
"Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who’d have ever guessed that product
con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes
I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.
I asked, "What’s the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree."
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." — Kin Hubbard
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. — Ashleigh Brilliant
- Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
- Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
- If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
- Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
- Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
- Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
- Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
- Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?