On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?”
“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. “It’s a boy,”
she announced, “six feet tall, 178 pounds!”
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
My mother had us in stitches on Mother’s Day. She told us the tale of a 96 year-old gentleman who goes to her oil painting classes . Recently, he was finally talked into moving into a retirement unit by his son. A couple of weeks later he returned to his son’s home in a taxi. When asked why he had left he admitted that the food was good but the place was full of boring, old people!
Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”
The other replied, “He ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in three days.”
“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” –Ira Gassen
A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.
Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”
“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.
“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.
“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”
A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure. “
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “My God; the cook’s working for the Germans!”