Two funnies form my teaching days.
“The knife was conceived in his swag.” ….. English Lesson and
"Oh, accouchement leave is when you’re leaving to have a baby? Is that why we say ‘couchie, couchie, coo’ to babies?" …… Maternity Leave farewell comment from one of my Year 9 students –
Tea break discussion at a local accountants office: the upcoming shortest day. Blonde question: how does it come to be the shortest day?
Group answer: because we’re kinda tilted away form the sun and don’t get as much.
Blonde question: but how much shorter than a normal 24 hour day is it?
Followed shortly after by much laughter, light dawning, and a confession that the next question was going to be "and how does my alarm clock know?"
I had to share this true story…
I teach year twelve English. I gave each of my students a pad of sticky notes to use in their novels, and after a week one of my students put up her hand to tell me that her sticky note pad was faulty.
Apparently she would write a note and then find that the adhesive was on the same side. She requested a replacement pad that had not been made upside down…
Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who’s been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who’s been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "Good grief! – how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first – it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house – it was Momma Bear who made the coffee –
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, & put everything away- it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper – it was Momma Bear who set the table –
it was Momma Bear who put the blasted cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s food & water dish AND, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs to grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence — listengood, cause I’m only going to say this one more time…..
I HAVEN’T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!"
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart- ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.
"Father’s date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?"
"No, I hadn’t thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet…
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your toothbrush.. .
Friendship between women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, 8 of whom confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said that he was still there.
A tough old cowboy told his grandson that the secret to long life was sprinkling a little gunpowder on his porridge every morning.
The grandson did so religiously and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 93.
When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a five metre hole ion the wall of the crematorium
Gaye has let us know about a great idea they are using at their doctors surgery…
Love Friday funnies and our favourite “magazine” in the waiting room (doctors surgery) are 2 large folders full of all sorts of jokes and stories. One folder politically correct and the other marked “a little bit naughty”.
Patients almost fight over them. I am thinking of doing one for kids.
"According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman
11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes." -Jay Leno
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I couldn’t please any of them.
"Happy birthday to Cher. She turns 62 today. Her breasts, of course, are only 23." -Craig Ferguson
Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.’
Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him.
The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.’
Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’
Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’
Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.’
Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’
I thought you might like to hear this one. This is a true storey that has been passed on to me.
A group of special needs children where taken on an outing to an aquatic centre (Kelly Tarltons in Auckland). One of the children became separated from the group and when he was found he was quite wet. Because the child had speech and hearing difficulties the caregivers couldn’t find out what had happened to him.
They put all the children on the bus and returned to their home town a couple of hours away. On disembarking the little boys backpack was noted to be damp as well so they opened it up only to find a honest to goodness live penguin inside. The staff promptly rung the aquatic centre to explain what had happened but were quite puzzled when the lady on the other end said “ oh that’s all right it happens all the time. I will just send you a courier ticket and you can pop it in the post”.
The ladies tone changed very rapidly when they explained it was a live penguin in the bag. Needless to say they had two keepers on their doorstep 2 hours later to pick the poor bird up.