Have you heard that a committee in Canberra has suggested naming the surrounds of The Lodge "The Kipling Gardens". Apparently this is because it’s now Rudd’s yard.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age
Our twenty-two-year-old son, who moved out last year, came to visit his father and I for the evening. He was looking around and smiling, so I asked if he missed living with us at all. "Oh, no," he replied,"I was just going to congratulate you on keeping the place so tidy these days!
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya ‘think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya Tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Tom and James came into my classroom very annoyed with each other. I asked what the matter was and Tom complained bitterly that James had sworn at him. James, with great indignation, said that he hadn’t. Accusations of, "Did!", "Didn’t!" flew too and fro. Finally I asked what had actually been said. Tom replied that James had used the ‘F’ word. They set too again, "No I didn’t!", "Yes you did!" with increasing animosity, until Tom finally exploded, "Yes you did, you called me ‘Fathead’!"
‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
Here’s a quickie:
At the recent Irish Sheep Dog Trials, only 6 were found guilty.
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."
-Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal’s TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul…and all these years you’ve been playing off the ladies’ tees!"
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money. After the transaction is completed she asks the teller
"Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money; today I only get hunat eighty?" The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly … "fluctuations". The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says …
"fluc you Aussies too"
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie — you might at least stop while I’m talking!"
"At the recent big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, Apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater." –Jay Leno
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What’s wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it’s a wonderful gesture."
"We hadn’t started eating yet."