A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.
“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.
“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”
“I just received this and thought I’d better forward it straight away. I’m not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday”.
“I walked into Bunning’s hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the blighter out”.
“Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning on to all your friends”.
Sally told her friend, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
“The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.” -P. J. O’Rourke
Why is it, that whenever someone says there’s a million stars in the galexy alone, they always believe you. But whenever you say there’s wet paint, they always have to test it to make sure.
A boy was in class one day when his teacher asked him to tell him what shin meant. The boy said ” well in my house, a shin is a device for finding furniture”.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say “elevator”. we say “lift”… they say “president”, we say “stupid psychopathic git.”…
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” -Jeff Valdez
“For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride,’ he’s only speaking to the groom.” -David Gunter
I have to relate a true story as real life stories are the funniest. I went to visit my 80 year old mother in the nursing home recently and she was concerned and annoyed there was a fly constantly hovering around her, so I said don’t worry it will be dead in three days. Her reply “yeh, well I saw it having sex this morning so there’s going to be more”
I used to be part of a barbershop quartet, but we never went anywhere because there were only two of us!
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have?” The seal says, “Anything but a Canadian club.”
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister.
We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
A clown is like an asprin, except he works twice as fast – Groucho Marx
During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!”
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.
The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “Damn! And all these years I’ve been chewing gum.”
After mass the priest noticed that Mary was sobbing. He gently put his hand on Mary’s shoulder and asked, “What’s wrong, Mary? Maybe we can help you.” She looked up and said, “My Frank is dead, Father. He died last night.” “Did he have any last requests,” the priest asked. “Yes he did,” Mary replied. He said, “Mary, please put that gun down.”
An oldie but a goodie
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said, You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’
His eyes lit up and he thought, ‘This is my lucky day.’ Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, ‘What was that all about?’
She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’
“Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages” –Dave Barry