“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” —George Deukmejian
TODAY’S STOCK MARKET RESULTS
They are as follows. . .
- Helium was up, feathers were down.
- Paper was stationery.
- Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
- Knives were up sharply.
- Cows steered into a bull market.
- Pencils lost a few points.
- Weights were up in heavy trading.
- Light switches were off.
- Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
- Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
- The market for raisins dried up.
- Caterpillar stock inched up a bit Balloon prices were inflated.
- And Scott Toilet Tissue touched a new bottom
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hey! Who wants to rides bikes!
“Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said, ‘Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'” -Jay Leno
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.”
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered ‘no.’
“Then why are you checking it out?”
“Because,” said the little boy confidently, “I just started collecting moths last month!”
Preparing for a family holiday, my sister-in-law and her husband explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, “Are we there yet?”
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter perked up, “Is it dark yet?”
“As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we’d make sand sculptures of n a k ed women. It was tricky though, cause we didn’t know what naked women looked like. I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone.” -Craig Ferguson
“Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won’t have me to kick around anymore.” -Jimmy Kimmel
Doug asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”
Bill says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear.
Then I’ll say, “Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember…I don’t mind going back to prison.”
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend. “I’m really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I’m always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired.” “Why not go see a psychiatrist?” suggested the friend. “Well, I would,” said the Bassett Hound, “except that I’m not allowed on the couch.
“It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
“Explain that statement!” demanded the Judge.
“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman — so I showed her.”
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy asked, “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!”
The manager said, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.”
Murphy then asked, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
The manager replied, “Well, the American put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.'”