A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, ‘Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?’
The other guy says, ‘Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’……….. So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, ‘Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of cereal, honey.’ But I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you evil bit-ch!’
The snow fell at RAF Scampton and a grounded OCU crew decided to make a snowman. A rare creature soon appeared in a Land Rover – an RAF Policeman (Snowdrop), who thought he had a sense of humour. To demonstrate his sense of fun, he ran over the snowman!
To show that they would not be daunted, the gallant aircrew rebuilt their snowman – around a concrete bollard and guess what, he fell for it!
If you don’t hear the knock of opportunity – build a door. Anon.
Brenda and George took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their Little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small thingy. After examining the child, the! doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’ ‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied.
‘The rest are for your father!!
You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him ‘Doctor’. –Abe Lemons
The owner of the pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the blonde sales girl: ‘What’s with the guy over there by the wall?’
The blonde responds: ‘Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative’
The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: ‘You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!’
The blonde calmly responds: ‘Of course you can!, Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.’
For many months I have been a grateful recipient of the Friday Funnies. Working in Radiation Oncology is not a bed of roses, so the Funnies provide much needed light relief to our workforce. I heard this one the other day and had to share it:
An old man went to the doctors and asked for V I ag ar a tablets, then said, ‘Could you direct the chemist to cut them into quarters please’. The doctor said ‘A quarter of a tablet is not going to give you a full erec tion’. ‘I’m 96 years old, I don’t have much use for one – I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers’.
Four people took a private flight one day. There was a doctor, a lawyer, a priest & a 6 year old boy.
Half way through the flights destinated course, the plane began to beep and blink and make bad noises. So they all went to the planes cupboard and opened up to find the parachutes. Unfortunatly, there were only 3 chutes left.
The doctor grabbed one and said ‘I’m a doctor, i save peoples lives’ and jumped out the planes dorr to safety. The Lawyer said ‘I’m a lawyer. i’m the smartest man in the world’. The Priest looked at the boy and handed him the last parachute kindly saying ‘ it’s alright, take this and save yourself, it’s my turn to die’. But the young boy gave him back the chute.
The Priest then asked ‘why did you just give it back?I thought that you wanted to live’. The boy smiled and said ‘ well the smartest man in the world just took my backpack’.
‘I’m not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?’ —- Emo Philips
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.
The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Why do Irish men wear three condoms?
To be sure. To be sure. To be sure.
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.
She said, ‘My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.’
‘I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,’ the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘The company went bankrupt.’
‘Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid by education.’ -Bertrand Russell
‘I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn’t even want to sleep with my mother.’ —Dennis Wolfberg
A bank robber walks into a bank with a loaded shot gun and robs it. On his way out he stops in front of a customer and says to him ‘Did you see me rob this bank’ The customer replies ‘yes sir I certainly did’ and the bank robber shoots him dead.
The robber then turns to a couple standing there and says to the man ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’
The man replies ‘No I did not see you rob this bank but my wife did.’