"You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." —Dolly Parton
When I was in an antique shop in a Victorian country town recently I saw this signâ€¦.
â€œAny unsupervised children will be given unlimited red cordial and told they can take a cute puppy home.â€
"According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway." -Jay Leno
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and dis- appeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
I heard a funny one on St Patrick’s day
Paddy goes down to the Police Station to do the written test. The Sgt comes in after he’s done & says ‘You didn’t even answer the first question correctly – who’s the Queen of England? Now get out here & don’t come back until you find tat out!’
Paddy goes home to his wife. She asks ‘Did you get the job?’ ‘I think so’ says Paddy, ‘And they’ve put me on a case already!’
"There was one nursing home that each night gave it’s elderly male residents a Viagra Tablet. It was much to help their sex life but mote to stop them rolling out of bed each night."
While I’m on poor Viagra Jokes, my wife took one the other day and she woke up with a stiff neck.
Two country boys were driving a truck and trailer down the highway when they came to an overbridge with a sign saying "Clearance 3.1 metres". They measured their rig to find that it is 3.5 metres high. "I don’t see any cops around," said one, "let’s go for it."
A man complained to his teenage daughter that the modern generation had no modesty. "When I was your age," he said, "girls still knew how to blush." "Good heavens Dad," replied the daughter, "what on earth did you say to them?"
Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, I think it’s time we had sex, don’t you? She agreed, and they had sex.
Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle with her!"
Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Rules are the means of a girlâ€™s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. —Unknown
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a se xy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent.’
In tears, she remarked, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?’
"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an energy drink. It’s for people who get tired while waiting in line at Starbucks." –Conan O’Brien
A guy walks into his Drâ€™s rooms & pulls down his trousers & shows the Dr his backside. He has a lettuce growing out of it! The Dr says â€œI see the problemâ€ The guy replies, â€œDr thatâ€™s only the tip of the iceberg!!!!!â€
Just had to share a story from my staff meeting this week. One of the lovely older ladies who works for me had her sister visiting from the UK and together they went to visit our Parliament in Wellington. They had a tour around the building and at the end the guide told them that Parliament was in session if they wished to have a look. So having stowed bags and other belongings they had to walk through a metal detector and the guard asked my lovely staff member to remove her top.
She looked down and decided that the metal rivets on her top were the problem and quickly checked to see what she had on underneath, decided that she would still be decent if she took her top off and as she went to lift her top to take it off her sister leaned over and told her that the guard meant the cardy that was tied around her waist not her top!!!
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What’s that stuff all over those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That’s what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
Six Truths of Life
- You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.
- All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it.
- The first truth is a lie.
- You’re smiling now cause you are an idiot.
- You will soon forward this to another idiot.
- Theres still a stupid smile on your face.