The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 11

Keep moving

Brisk walking for just 30 minutes a day, can increase your restance to stress and your ability to recover more quickly.

“Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that’s why.” -Craig Ferguson

“New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it.” -Dave Letterman

“If I’d have known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.” —Unknown

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain?”

A woman was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ” Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not Mike; he’s an idiot!”

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, “Wow! That’s a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.

“What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

A woman in my office who had recently divorced after years of marriage, signed up for a refresher CPR course.

“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.

“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years.”

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you’d like to know.

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver’s license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.

“Could you get a little closer?” the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. “Now what?”

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 200 litres of milk. When the milkman read the note,he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2 litres. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 200 litres of milk. Did you mean 2 litres?” The blonde said, “I want 200 litres. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits will be fine.”

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “What do you mean, nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour now.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again…? I’m cured?”

From the ‘Odd Spot’ in The Age (Thursday 10th May)”

Two Norwegian vandals overlooked a small detail as they started to smash up a station lift, they were inside it. The lift at Lillestroem north of Oslo, played its part, sealing its doors and holding them for police. ‘Vandalism is always sad, but a lot of people do see the humour in this’ a railways spokeswoman said. “

Sometimes life itself is funnier than any created joke, isn’t it.

A little boy opened his refrigerator door and saw the Easter Bunny there He asked “What are you doing in there?” The Easter Bunny replied “Is this a Westinghouse?” The boy said “Yes.” The Easter Bunny said “I’m westing?”

I thought that was cute on it’s own then one of the radio announcers said”What happened to Mrs Easter Bunny?”
“We don’t know”

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

“Is anything all right?”

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, “Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.”