The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 10.

Be a Joy Germ.

Step outside yourself and bring joy to others.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.”

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

“Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license. She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to drive to work. Which would be great if she had a job.” -Jay Leno

Q. What’s green and sits in the corner?
A. A naughty frog.

Q. What are spider webs good for?
A. Spiders!

“Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with the Queen Elizabeth II. There was an awkward moment when President Bush called her ‘Queen Elizabeth the sequel.'” -Conan O’Brien

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore… In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

When Insults Had Class

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ­ Winston Churchill
  • “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” ­ Winston Churchill
  • “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” ­ Abraham Lincoln
  • “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” ­ Stephen Bishop
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” ­ John Bright
  • “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” ­ Paul Keating
  • “He had delusions of adequacy.” ­ Walter Kerr
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” ­ Groucho Marx

“Disney has opened up its first theme park in China. 10,000 children showed up on opening day – and that was just to make the t-shirts.” –Conan O-Brien

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.” –Elayne Boosler

My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist… for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”

Extract from an essay written by a student nurse. (from our book “Doctor, I feel funny.”

“A woman who is expecting a baby should always go to her local doctor as soon as she has reason to believe she may be pregnant. She must realize that her local doctor is always the person mainly responsible for her condition.”

Interesting Year 1981

  1. Prince Charles got married
  2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
  3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
  4. The Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005

  1. Prince Charles got married
  2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
  3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
  4. The Pope Died

Lesson Learned?
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

It’s really just a Melbourne metaphor for Romeo and Juliet.

Bazza is driving over the West Gate Bridge when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off the top. Bazza slams on the brakes and yells: “Shazza, what the hell d’ya think ya doin’?” Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: “G’bye Bazza. Ya got me pregnant, so now I’m gonna kill meself”.

Bazza gets a real lump in his throat when he hears this. “Shazza”, he says over his shoulder as he slowly drives away, “Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root but you’re a real sport too.” Ain’t luv grand.

“According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes.” -Jay Leno

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Both Betty and Nellie had a stroke.

But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn’t reach that far.

Bless her heart.