The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 9.

Take a break.

As one person said to us, “Some people think they are doing you a favour by working through their lunch break, but don’t realise how grumpy they get because they have not eaten.

Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for. —Unknown

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".

For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked.

A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest’s much-loved roses.

"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

I had to voice my concern when a colleague said she found dates using the internet. "Don’t worry about me" she said. "I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course." "Why there?" I asked. "First, it’s a public spot" she said. "Second, it’s in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand"

I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I’d ever had the "sportsman’s double", a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

Q: What is Pilates?
A: Caffeinated Yoga!

On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes…AND NOW YOU’VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"

Some Christian Humour

  1. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
  2. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it’s morning."
  3. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets."
  4. A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked, "You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… "
  5. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of the farmer’s time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair, and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result… The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise, as well.

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

  • Herman’s Hermits— Mrs.. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
  • The Bee Gees— How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
  • Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
  • Johnny Nash— I Can’t See Clearly Now.
  • Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
  • Procol Harem— A Whiter Shade of Hair.
  • Leo Sayer— You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
  • Abba— Denture Queen.
  • Tony Orlando— Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
  • Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
  • Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner."