The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 7

Watch you language.

The words you use to describe an experience can determine its intensity. “Inconvenient” instead of “disaster”. “Excited” for “stressed”. “Fascinated” for “frustrated”. Try it, you’ll feel the difference.

“I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don’t want to hear, ‘Where’s my lucky scalpel?'” –Jonathan Ketz

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate…why am I still driving around in a thimble?

3 old guys are walking down the street.

The first one says "Windy isn’t it?"

The second one says "No. It’s Thursday."

And the third one says "So am I. How about we call in at the pub for a drink."

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” my husband told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”

“No,” he replied, “it’s parked in the wrong driveway.”

"You know, my wife only spends a fraction of what I earn on herself, – 9/10ths." Fred Flintstone.

This guy spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, “Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”

He responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, “Pardon me, but what was the name of that god sup- posed to be?”

“Why do you ask?” the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. “Just idol curiosity, I guess.”

This is an oldie from Lorraine, but it is a favourite.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where my 10 million bucks is.”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s forehead and says, “Ask him again!” The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!” The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a Prague ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

“Can you read that?” the doctor asked.

“Can I read it?” the Czech replied. “I dated his sister.”

This art connoisseur passes a delicatessen, and notice a mangy little cat in the window lapping milk from a rare and precious piece of Ming Dynasty porcelain. He strolls inside and offers the owner $2.00 for the cat.

“It’s not for sale”, says the proprietor

“Look”, says the collector,”that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I’m an eccentric. I like cats that way. In fact I’ll up my offer. Will you take $10.00?”

“Deal” says the owner. pocketing the ten spot, “He’s yours.”

“Well, for that sum, I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer, he seems accustomed to drinking from it!”

“No dice”, says the prop, ‘that’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer alone, so far this week, I’ve sold 34 cats.”

Harry really hated his old lady’s cat. So he put it in the car and drove twenty blocks away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting on the porch. The next day he decided he would take the cat 40 blocks away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it’s way home. Each day he kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it’s way home.

Harry was so furious that he decided to take the cat a few miles away, turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of blocks, then left again. Harry then dropped the cat off. Hours later, he called his wife on the phone, “Honey, is the cat there?” “Yeah, she answers.” “Why?” Harry replies, “Put the freaking cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

“Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: ‘Nine Dead in Interstate Pileup.'” –Jay Leno

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again.”

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, “You’re three hours late. What took you so long?”

“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities he noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted them to know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning on the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, “I make $300 a week. Why?”

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacko did around here?”

From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery boy from Domino’s.”