The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 6

Don’t add to your stress.

If you’re already stressed, this is not the time to take on extra work, renovate the house or end a relationship. Some things can wait.

My friend and I were discussing where on our bodies would be the best place to apply the weight-loss patch we were trying.

Her husband, who overheard our conversation, suggested, “Your mouths.”

An Irishman was seen banging his head hard against a concrete wall and bystanders wondered what the matter was.

When they saw him briefly stop banging his head, they asked him why did this. His reply was that it hurt when he started, but that it felt so really good when he stopped.

“Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say one thing. It’s nice to see young women stealing money without the help of divorce lawyers.” -Craig Ferguson

This is to celebrate yesterday which was International Women’s Day…

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. And there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the Counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread By the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply, she answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

“Civilization exists by geological consent, subject to change without notice.” —Will Durant (1885 – 1981)

Quickies Available Now in Toilet Ask Staff!!

Q. Why did the mushroom go to the party
A. Because he was such a fun gi

Q. Why did he leave the party
A. Because there wasnt much room !!

We were hosting an exchange student from Europe and a few days before this conversation, not used to the Aussie sun, he had been quite sunburnt. He rang me one afternoon and, as a colleague and I had just been discussing how well he had been progressing with English I said to him “we were just talking about you, are your ears burning?”. His reply was “No, I put sunblock on this morning!!”

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The boy said, “I can’t get along with your wife.”

“Interns scare me. They’re too young. How can you have con- fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his sleeves?” –Joan Rivers

I was at the chemist the other day when an elderly lady next to me asked, “What can I get for a runny nose?”, I leaned quietlly over to her and said, ” A pair of sand shoes!”

Q. What did the farmer say to the cow on the roof?
A. Get off.

Iif you want a belly laugh – tell a 10 year old.

Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She’s getting a little slow up there. She’s at the age where she doesn’t remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, “Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!”

Thoughts on children

  1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
  3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
  4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
  5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

A deeply tanned woman walks into a doctor’s surgery. She tells him she isn’t feeling well. He tells her to remove her clothes and to lie down in a corner on all fours. He studies her carefully and asks her to move to another corner, still on all fours. He looks closely again and directs her to the middle of the room, again asking her to lie on all fours. Eventually he tells her to put her clothes back on. Then he says he’ll let her know the problem later.

Passing through reception, the receptionist asks the woman how she went.

Looking confused the tanned woman says “I don’t really know. He asked me to take my clothes off then lie in different corners of the room, before telling me to lie down in the middle.”

After she leaves the receptionist bursts into the doctor’s room and asks what he was doing making that woman lie down in several parts of the room.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” the doctor say. “I want to put a brown couch in here and just wanted to see where it would look good.”