Stress Buster No. 2.
As you read the Friday Funnies allow yourself to be easily amused, this positive feeling can counteract the stress response and lead to relaxation.
Here are a few St Valentine’s Day jokes for next week.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You shall know tonight”, he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it.
She found a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”.
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.” With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Barbara Walters of Television’s 20/20 did a story on gender roles In Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walter’s vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, “Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?”
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “Land mines.”
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, “Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.”
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, “Let’s see… Fun period Fun period Fun no period worry worry worry.”
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.” — Mark Twain
Why only women’s letters to Dear Abby are published.
Dear Abby, I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Bob
My in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set–top quality. The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story. On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: “Opening with sharp object may damage this product.”
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says. A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher. “It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…and before he could say “F# c k,” the rottweiler ate him!”
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
Dick knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.
“Pardon me,” Dick said, “are you game?”
She looked him up and down and seductively said, “Yes.”
So he shot her.
“Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said – ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.” — Harry Hill
A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. “Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!” she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: “Don’t worry, madam. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position.”
“I’m 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!”