The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 3.

Distractions can act like circuit breakers for stress. They give you “time out” and new thoughts to think. Ideas include: a short walk, a new location for a tea break, five minutes of a funny DVD, visiting a friend in another department, listening to music or sharing a riddle:

What did the dirt say when it rained?
If this keeps up, my name’s mud.

What’s the best thing to take when you’re run down?
The license number of the car that hit you.

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the female clerk “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The female clerk responds: “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The pharmacist yells: “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”

The female clerk responds, “Of course you can! Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” —G. K. Chesterton

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, “Gee, she’s fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; “I’ll bet her behind is this wide!”

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, “Run for your life, she’s backing up!!”

“Well it’s happened again. Now another guy has stepped forward and says he may be the father of Anna Nicole’s money… I mean baby!” –Jay Leno

“Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Becky.
“Mmm hmm.” replied Dave.
“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Oh Dave,” gushed Becky, “you say the most beautiful things!”

The following was told to me by an aunt in Scotland who’s husband was the headmaster of the village school. One day a visiting teacher came to give the girls a lesson on s – x education. After explaining the subject in detail she finished by saying “now girls just think about this.

For five minutes of pleasure you could ruin your whole life. Does anyone have any questions”? One girl raised her hand and asked “Please Miss, how do you make it last five minutes”?

3 great T shirt slogans for women

“I’m still hot… it just comes in flashes.”

“Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.”

“At my age getting “lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot!

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

Saw this today on the back of a 4 wheel drive belonging to a couple of grey nomads and thought what a great motto to live up to. Maybe we should all adopt it. “ADVENTURE BEFORE DEMENTIA”

Child discipline 1960 vs. 2006

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1960 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 2: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 3: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Halloween, puts them in a bottle, blows up a red ant hill.
1960 – Ants die.
2006 – Fire Department and police called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Government investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list.

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.” –Rita Rudner

A husband and wife came for counseling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

“Today President Bush met with Palestinian President Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas, ‘I loved your song, Dancing Queen.'” –Jay Leno

I came home one night and my wife was crying. I said, “what’s wrong?” She said, “I’m home sick.” I said, “But, this IS your home.” “Yes,” she replied, “and I’m sick of it!”

World’s Worst Pick Up Lines

  • Are your parents retarded, ’cause you sure are special.
  • Do you have a library card, ’cause I’d like to sign you out.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • Man – Fat Penguin!
    Woman – WHAT?
    Man – I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
  • I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock
  • I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
  • Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
  • If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.