The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 1.

Do this now. Take a deep breathe and exhale slowly. This sends a message to the brain that your life is not under threat. As a result the body shuts off the stress hormones. Remember to take “breathe breaks” often.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 84?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?” “No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then, why do you want to live to be 84?”

A new blond joke for 2007

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. “Help, help!” yells one of the blondes. “Help us, help us!” yells the other.

“Maybe it would help if we yelled together,” said the first blonde.

“Good idea,” said the other.

So the both started yelling, “Together! Together!”

I prefer to describe myself as a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides….”stalker” is such an ugly word.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

“Did you see the morning paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

“President Bush asked Bill Clinton for advice about what to do in Iraq and he said: ‘Don’t pull out until you hear her husband’s car in the drive way.'” —Craig Ferguson

Morris, a Russian man, saved his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he’s not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman, “Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?” he asks.

The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.

“Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?”

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.

Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway through the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.

“I’m sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?”

Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.

“That’s a relief!” says Morris. “The plumber is coming that morning.”

Did you hear of the poor fellow who drowned at work in a vat of varnish?

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish!

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. So he went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his departed wife.

“Honey!” he cried. “Is that you?”
“Yes, my husband.”
“Are you happy?”
“Yes, my husband.”
“Happier than you were with me?”
“Yes, my husband…much happier!”
“Then Heaven must be an amazing place.”
“I’m not in Heaven.”

As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.

“What a polite little doorman,” she said as she walked through. “Is there a tip involved?”

“Oh, no,” answered the young man. “My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing.”

A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?”

Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad’s lap she says, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”

“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”

“The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please MAKE a sound like a frog?”

Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?” And the little girl says, “‘Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Bali!”

Investment tips for 2007

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007

  1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
  2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
  3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
  4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: Zip Audi DoDa.
  5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
  6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
  7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally
  8. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: T i t t y T i t t y Bang Bang