There’s a sign outside a Queensland garage, “Fill up and get free sex.” A man fills up and says, “Well? The attendant says, “Law says there’s got to be a little competion. “Think of a number.”
“Bad luck mate, it’s nine.”
The man drives off, stops at the next pub, orders a drink and says to a bloke standing at the bar, ‘That garage down the road – it’s a bloody take. Sign says “Fill up and get free sex” and it’s all B S.’
The bloke says, “No mate, you’re wrong. It’s fair dinkum. Ridgy-didge. No worries. My wife won twice last month.”
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.
“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”
The counselor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line.”
“Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton announcing that she is running for president, Republicans are already digging up dirt on her. And they found out that she once slept with Bill Clinton.” –Dave Letterman
A man laid sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ”Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. ”Sir,” the usher said, ”if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
”All right buddy, what’s your name?”
”Sam,” the man moaned.
"Where are you from, Sam?” the cop asked.
“My dad got his degree in embalming… When we were little and we’d be getting dressed to go to church on Sundays, Dad would have to lay me down on the table to tie my tie.” – Killer Beaz
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
Wife to Norm: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”
Norm to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to Norm: “What? At 2 a.m?!”
Norm to wife: “Yes. We used night clubs.”
A guy runs into a bar and says, “Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!”
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
“Man,” the bartender says, “I’ve never seen anyone drink shots that fast!”
“You’d drink them that fast too if you have what I have,” the guy says. “
Oh my God,” says the bartender, “what do you have?”
The solution to an age old mystery
“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue … and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?” —Rita Rudner
The answer to this question….. the glue goes to your thighs!!!!
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father .during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.”
“It’s worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.”
The priest said,”By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
For three years, the young lawyer had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bas t ard in the family than a lawyer.”