Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
A GOOD FRIEND HELPS YOU MOVE
A REALLY GOOD FRIEND HELPS YOU MOVE THE BODY
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life–so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. — Matt Cartmill
Gracie Allen’s Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
- 1 large Roast of beef
- 1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.
After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, “I’m sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her.”
“Damnation, boy!” exclaimed the Chief. “I sure am surprised at you. You’ve been a policeman almost all your life — and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es'”
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
This man phones his doc saying he thinks his wife has appendicitis.
“That’s impossible” says the physician, “She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anyone with two appendixes?”
“No, doc”, the husband replied, “But have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?”
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”
Little Davies’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Davie asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
10 Characteristics of The Company Car…
- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a Great Chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive Calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.”
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was.
“The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it.” –Dave Letterman
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL.”
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”