A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. —Sam Levenson
Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
Two good old boys are sittin’ in a bass boat suckin’ down beer when all of a sudden James says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 6 months.”
Earl sips his beer and calmly says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”
Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.
“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let her be having an affair.”
The minister came to call the other day.
He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him: “Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am in the study, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself: “Now, what am I here after?”
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. “Is this good for beetles?” I asked the clerk.
“No,” replied. “It’ll kill ’em.”
I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. —Unknown
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are “XL”
Further advantages to the company car:
- all company cars can actually be driven as 4 wheel drives. They respond very well to all terrains.
- someone else will always top up the petrol. They exception to this is when you have been driving for 50 km with the red light on.
- the ash trays of company cars do not require emptying.
- company cars have an in built touch parking facility.
- dents on company cars were always made by someone else.
- company cars can be used for a range of purposes including rally driving and drag racing.
“To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” —George W. Bush
“Well, Ted, you’re certainly coming up in the world. What’s the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!”
“Oh, it was my wife’s idea.”
“Your wife?”
“Yeah,” answers Ted, “She thought I should spend more time with the kids.”
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?”
“No bother,” Murphy says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. “Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”
“Fook off you liar!”.
“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”
“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”