The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q: If you want to weigh a whale where would you take it.
A: To a whale weigh station.

Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.

She said to her mother, “I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex.”

Her mother shrugged and said, “Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right. Just look how much he loves his mother.”

So my dad was having “that” conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you mast u r bate you’ll go blind.

I said, “I’m over here, Dad…”

“The population of the United States reached 300 million yesterday. In a related story the population of Mexico is now at 38 people.” –Jay Leno

“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.” —-Jeff Stilson

Some real stories from subcribers

My wife was bathing my 4 year old son and 9 year old daughter one night when my son asked the question why doesn’t she have a doodle. My wife with out hesitation piped up “oh they fall off the smart ones” . My son who thinks he is rather clever is still waiting for his to fall off. Could be a while.

When my niece, Rebecca, was a toddler she was a notorious night owl and very difficult to settle to sleep, especially if my sister had visitors and Beccie could hear voices and laughter in the house. ( I know this brings up parental discipline issues but let’s not go THERE!).

One night, our parents were staying at my sister’s house, and Beccie was doing her usual “hokey-pokey – in and out of bed – running around the house” act when she spied our mother in the bathroom, preparing for bed. Stopping short, she watched with mouth agape as Mum took out her dentures to clean them.
A small voice whispered in awe,”Oma, can you take your eyes out, too?”

Family Day Care is a childcare service in which children are minded in the home of a Carer. I coordinated our local scheme for 20 years and have fond memories of the children and their curiosity and zest for life. One evening, one of our ‘more mature’ Careproviders was waiting for the last child to be picked up before she and her husband went out to dinner for their wedding anniversary.
As the mother had rung to say she’d be later than the booked time, Lorraine started getting dressed and applying her make-up. Her little charge watched fascinated as the curlers came out, foundation was patted on and mascara applied. As Lorraine was applying her lipstick, a small voice piped, “O -h-h-h, Lorraine – you look nearly pretty!”

This was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Screw him – – – give him a dollar.”

The blonde then blushed and said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

The young man in Tasmania came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Jacko, somebody just stole your ute from the car park!”

Jacko replied, “Did you see who it was?

“The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

“Here’s an odd story. Yesterday a man that was so fat tried crossing the Mexican border and became trapped in a tunnel. This really isn’t fair. If he’s that fat he belongs in the United States.” –Conan O’Brien

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. —Aristotle 384 – 322 B.C.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Pete the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said “I want this room to be painted a light blue.” The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

When he came back, the woman was curious, so she asked “I keep telling you colours, but you only yell out green to your workers. Why is that?” The builder said, “Oh don’t worry about that, I’ve got a couple of Kiwi’s laying the turf out front.”

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

“My son has taken up meditation – at least it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.” —Max Kauffmann

A young man named Solomon moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” Solomon replied, “Well, then, just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Solomon said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.” The farmer asked, “what ya gonna do with him?” Solomon said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!” Solomon said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Solomon and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?” Solomon said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Solomon said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Solomon Trujillo eventually moved to Australia and became the CEO of Telstra!

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.

“For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”

“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.

“I’m not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “but I bet it sounds something like…

“Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'”