Seen on condom machine in England: “Manufactured to strict British standards.”Underneath, someone had scratched, “So was the Titanic.”
Some bad Halloween riddles
Q. What do you get if you cross a ghost and Bambi?
Q. What do you call a witch that loves the beach?
A. A sand witch
Q. What do you get if you cross Dracula and a snowman?
Q. What happened to the guy who didn’t pay the exorcist?
A. He got repossessed
Q. What do you call a ghoul with a broken leg?
A. A hoblin’ goblin
Q. Which monster loves dance music?
A. The boogieman
Q. And did you hear about the ghost photographer?
A. The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
“President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn’t that nice? He christened the ship by saying, ‘It’s great to be here on the USS Dad.'” —Conan O’Brien
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: “There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I get away with it?”
One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps fall on him from a great height and crush him to the ground.
“Oh no!” he gasps with his dying breath, “It’s Buffet the Vampire Slayer!”
With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he’d ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, “What’s the trouble, buddy?”
“It’s a woman.” replied Conrad. “What else?”
“Tell me about it,” coaxed Dick.
“It’s your wife.”
“My wife? What about her?”
“Well, buddy boy, I’m afraid she’s cheating on us.”
- Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
- A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
- A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
- When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One liners from the Edinburgh festival
I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Heck, I wasn’t listening… Self-raising?”
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance
Q. Why do the French eat snails?
A. Because they don’t eat FAST FOOD
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel….. so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you’ve been sick and unable to clean.
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. “Who are you?” I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the heck were you when I got married?”
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English – what is wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English “, the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man.
“Now give me the really complicated medical term so that I can tell my wife.”