Stress Buster No. 28.
Time together and time apart
Only you can judge this. When you have time apart, you bring new experiences and a freshness back into the relationship. However balance is important, if you have too much time apart, you can start to live separate lives.
"Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." –Ambrose Bierce
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re n a k e d, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
"A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other." —Unknown
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it’s me."
"It’s really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Paddy and his wife were in bed trying to get to sleep when the neighbours dog began to bark. After 15 minutes Of constant barking, Paddy bounds out of bed. "I’m going to go and see about that dog".
Not 5 minutes later Paddy is back in bed, and the dog can still be heard barking. His wife says, "Paddy your back, what did you Do?" Paddy says, "I put him in our yard. Let them put up with it for a while."
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to Leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
There is a new group established for obsessive speakers, it is called On and On Anon
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books…
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…"
The surgeon replies, "I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."
True observation
On a recent trip down the Stuart Highway from Katherine to Tennant Creek noted the sign "TICK FREE AREA" – some wag had added "LUNA" prior to the Tick! Some great humour in the Aussie road signs which we appreciated.
Just a quick true story for you: My friend at work has a very cute 3 yr old daughter. After going to kinder for the day the little girl told her mummy about the plays they had been doing that day and now wanted to perform for her mum. She gets ready and sits her mum down and starts off by saying "Ladies and GERMANS……" Her mother tried to tell her that it was actually ladies and gentleman, but the little girl was adamant it was "Ladies and Germans"……..
This is hot of the press from Gai my friend in the U.S. I’m not sure how she got hold of Australia’s new Citizen Questionnaire, but here it is.
Do you know the answers to these:
LANGUAGE
- Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of the term "died in the arse"?
- What is a mole?
- Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
- Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
CUSTOMS
- Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
- Complete the following sentences:
- "If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother …
- You’re going home in the back of a …
- Fair suck of the …
- I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss
- Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
- Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
FOOD
- Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
- What are the ingredients in a rissole?
- Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
- When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
- What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
CULTURE
- Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
- Who would you like to crack on to?
- Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
- Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
- Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?