A man went to the Patent Office trying to register some of his inventions. He went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down his personal info and then asked him what he had invented. He said, “A folding bottle.”
She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”
“What else do you have?”
“A folding carton.”
“What do you call it?”
She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”
He was so upset by her comment that he grabbed the form and left he office without even telling her about his folding bucket.
“I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.” – George Bush
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she and her husband were struggling with a big decision on whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a decision about the missionary position.”
Six months after a French waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter’s outfit.
“Arnold!” she cried. “Come closer and speak to me!”
A ghostly voice drifted from the corner… “I can’t. It’s not my table.”
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining customers, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.
One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
“Turn over, Cindy!” whispered the girl lying beside her… “This is a stick-up not an office party.”
I wondered why nobody did anything, then I realized I was somebody~!
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
“Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?”
“Certainly,” answered the minister, “why shouldn’t I?”
“Well you see, it’s like this,” replied Tony. “When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate ‘Thomas.’
This boy I want to name Jack.”
If you are going to New Zealand I must tell you a story I heard. A big sporting event was held in New Zealand.Someone wrote on a wall in large letters – AUSTRALIA SUCKS. Underneath someone else had scrawled. New Zealand seventh.
“I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.” —Laura Kightlinger
“My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! —Sarah Silverman
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, “Tick – Tock”, over and over. After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.
An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn’t even do.
The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, “Tick…Tick.. Tick…”
The German officer in charge went up to him and said, “You thinks you iss so schmart! But I’m telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!”
“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.” —George Deukmejian
Continuing with interesting road signs in Australia:
Noticed many years ago in far North Queensland. On the southern bank of the Daintree River was a very large formal sign that read: “Beware, man eating crocodiles inhabit this river”. Also on the sign, written in chalk, by, obviously, a feminist were the words “What about the women then?”
THIS EXPLAINS THE ORIGIN OF WHY MEN STARTED WEARING EARRINGS
A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” “So,” he says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make a big deal of it, it’s only an earring,” the co-worker replies peevishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
I always wondered how this trend got started and now I know.
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
“Who was it?” he yells.
“That alta kakker Goldstein?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Goldstein.”
“Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?”
“No, not him.”
“Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!”
“No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…”
Morris was now fuming. “What’s the matter?” he cried. “None of my friends are good enough for you?”