Stress Buster No. 28.
You hear it all the time â€It’s not what they said, it was the way they said it!â€ Consider saying â€˜Have you thought of putting the rubbish out?’ This gives the person the chance to say â€˜Yes’ even if they haven’t.
“My uncle’s dying wish was that he wanted me on his lap–He was in the electric chair.” —Rodney Dangerfield
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.” “Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”
“My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'” -Thomas Friedman
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, “My bike.”
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper ” Hello ? ”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked. ” Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” The child whispered, ” No “.
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” ” Yes ” “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No ” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
” Yes ” whispered the child, ” a policeman “. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” ” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?”
” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.. Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter ”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?” Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ” ME ”
Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him ‘Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from to 200 in less then 6 seconds â€“ AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Frank has been missing since Friday.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry”. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma.guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right, how did you know?” “I don’t like her.”
“A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.” —Bill Cosby
“Well, Ted, you’re certainly coming up in the world. What’s the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!” “Oh, it was my wife’s idea.” “Your wife?” “Yeah,” answers Ted, “She thought I should spend more time with the kids.”
Another true Italian traffic story
We were holidaying in Tuscany and drove into a very sweet ancient walled town – with only the enthusiasm (and naivety) of an Australian traveler in Italy for the first time, we were rapt to find so much parking available in the centre of the town…locked our little rental car “Junior” and you guessed it, came back to a fine for parking in the Piazza. (town square)
My niece’s class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, “What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?” “I’d have to say the moonwalk,” I replied. She looked disappointed. “That dance was so important to you?”
Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”
Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of it?”