The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 27

Be eccentric

Reduce the stress in your life by not worrying what other people think of you.

If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what’s happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today:

  • Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.
  • Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.
  • Jack’s making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.
  • Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.
  • King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite video conferencing.
  • The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.
  • Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.

“Be alert…the world needs more lerts.” — Anonymous

“A new article in ‘Newsweek’ is out talking about what it’s like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend who’s an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don’t know why.” -Jay Leno

Lorraine pinched this from Helen, Dawn and Naomi sent it as well…

As Pope Benedict was giving Pavarotti the last rights he pressed a note into Luciano’s hand and whispered to him “This is the referral you have to give to St Peter when you get to the gates of heaven. Pavarotti duly arrived at the Pearly Gates and St Peter asked “Do you have a referral, because you cannot enter without one?”

“Yes” answered Pavarotti as he hands over the note the Pope had given him St Peter reads it and opens the gate and bids Luciano enter. As he goes through Pavarotti asks St Peter what the note said.

St Peter answers “It says, here’s that Tenor I owe you”

A cannibal goes on a world cruise, on the first night the waiter comes up to him and asks,

“Do you want to see the menu?”

The cannibal replies, “No, bring me the passenger list.”

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something wise.”

The dean looks at them and says, “I should have taken the money.”

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the woman he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposal.

He began what can only be called a “Campaign” and sent her a token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

The plan was successful too — the young lady fell in love with the delivery man.

“A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change.” –Jay Leno

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband : “I was just looking for the expiration date.”

Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.” —Jim Bishop

It had been a very busy night on the maternity ward, with all the rooms full, and staff limited due to a nurse’s strike. In the chaos, a junior staff member helping out for the night had mixed up the identity tags of 3 newborn infants when they were brought into the nursery. As you can imagine, Matron was not happy!

Matron gathered together the 3 bleary eyed fathers (as it happened, a Kiwi, an Aussie, and a Samoan) to explain the situation. She then led the fathers into a room adjoining the nursery to identify their babies.

As soon as the 3 infants were wheeled in, the New Zealand man pounced towards the cots and picked up a very cute baby with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark skin, exclaiming loudly “This one’s mine!”.

Matron pulled the Kiwi dad aside and said quietly, “Excuse me sir, but we’re pretty sure this baby belongs to the Petaia family – you see he looks very much to be of Pacific ethnicity”.

To which the kiwi dad answered “Yes, yes, I can see that. But one of those other two is Australian and I’m just not willing to take the chance.”

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts ” Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn” (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back, “I’m English, Speak English, I don’t understand you”.

The Scotsman man shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”

This will amuse the tech savy

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?