A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs Jones, what’s the problem?"
The mother says, "It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant, about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says,"Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time.
Kicking a ball in the school playground before school is not allowed and so 11 year old grandson Drew was so excited to be given detention for the first time ever.
He was told to do 500 lines " I must not kick the ball before school."
He very quickly finished cutting and pasting. and really could not understand why he had to redo it in pencil.
My adult daughter when answering the phone to a sales calls says " I’m so glad you rang, would you be my friend ?. I don’t have any friends. Give me your number so I can call you.
When would you like me to call you, I don’t sleep much, so I can call you at 2 a.m. ?. I’d love you to call me, I have plenty of time. Can you call me tomorrow and the next day and the next day ?"
Of course they hang up.
I just keep an old chip packet near the phone and scrunch it and say " I’m sorry there must be something wrong with the phone I will have to hang up."
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
"I miss the days when Halloween was a simple holiday about making ritual sacrifices to evil spirits to ensure a plentiful harvest." -Jimmy Kimmel
The body builder takes off his shirt
and the blonde says," What a Great chest you have!’
He tells her, That’s 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby.’
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,’" What massive calves you have!’
The body builder tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.’
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies,
I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!’
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you’re going as a sour-puss, I’m going as a dictator."
My laptop was driving me crazy. "The A, E, and I keys always stick," I complained to a friend.
She quickly diagnosed the problem. "Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."
"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?" my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.
A nervous young man stood up. "I’d like to be dismissed," he said.
"And why is that?"
"My wife is about to conceive."
Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, "I believe, sir, you mean ‘deliver.’ But either way, I agree. You should be there."
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what’s that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home."
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" ]
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Q: Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
Q: Why don’t cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
A: He gives them runs!
Q: What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A: A boo-loney sandwich!
Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite animal?
A: A giraffe!