Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win lottery’ ‘What’s dat’, says his mate.
‘Send me lawn away to be cut’
"Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography." -Robert Byrne
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. "What is a group of whales called?"
I asked. "I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music."
"An iPod?" she guessed.
"Close," I said. "But what I’m thinking is a little smaller."
"Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die." –Oscar Wilde
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
According to one little schoolkid, the national anthem starts Australians all love ostriches Four take one is three…
Fortunately, nobody was injured when singer, Renee Geyer, crashed her car into a shop front early this week. I couldn’t help but smile in realising that her most successful song has been, "Am I Heading in the Right Direction?" In this particular instance, the answer is definitely no!
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world , I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it in to the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room …"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”
I’m very, very jealous. Sometimes I walk down the street and I see a beautiful woman and I think to myself: "I’ll bet my boyfriend would like to sleep with her" and I get SO ANGRY. I run right home and smack him, and say, ‘How much more of this do you think I can take?’" –Denise Munro
Just came back from a trip to UK and regret not buying the newspaper on the stand that with the headlines "Liver boy almost ready to eat, says specialist". What were they going to do, fry him?
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him "What is your name?" "I can’t tell you," the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied, "I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of snow every day in Jamaica ."
Q: Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches?
A: They can’t keep their trunks up!
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A: So he won’t be spotted.
Q: Where does a bat eat his dinner?
A: On home plate, and he has a ball.
Q: What has ears but can’t hear a thing?
A: A cornfield.