Following the promotion of “Talk like a Pirate Day” last week, I am grateful to Nathan who sent me a graph to demonstrate that there is clear correlation between global warming and the decline of pirates!.. Let me know if you would like a copy.
About Generation Y
on the TODAY SHOW…" let’s face it they’re the generation that got a medal for coming seventh in the egg & spoon race"
"Today, the MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual ‘Genius’ awards. This year’s awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." -Conan O’Brien
Q: What’s the definition of Bigamist?
A: A foggy day in Italy.
My son, age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.
Worried, too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt.
There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game—while the tape recorder coughed on and on.
The next morning he was in school. James S Woods
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area. She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone. "Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse."
"Today is Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day. ADD organizations say if you think you might have the condition, check out their Web site, then click on one of the ads, then Google the lyrics to a song that’s bugging you, then check Facebook." -Conan O’Brien
Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to
counseling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice
urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
My husband bought a bicycle on e-bay, so we went to the park for him to try it out. As he rode along, he kept looking backwards. I asked if anything was wrong with the bike. "I was just wondering if my behind looks big on this," he called over. He looked surprised when I started to cry with laughter!
True story
Our State has a campaign to educate people and reduce the amount of illicit drug use affecting so many young kids.
On a recent drive up to the mountains for a snow skiing weekend, my 7 year old daughter Izsabella, somewhat confused reads out aloud one of our State’s roadside warning signs, "Speed and Ice will kill you".
To which my youngest son Brannon responds with some authority, "That’s so true!" My wife and I question in our heads what would a 6 year old know of illicit drugs, so turn to ask him to explain.
Without faltering he responds "because if you go too fast, you’ll fall over, get cold and turn into an iceberg."
I’m so glad my kids are not the target audience for these signs.
Told by Vicar ( female) at my sons wedding.
On the morning of a wedding the mother of the bride noticed that her daughter was very nervous. It’s alright Dear she said, all brides feel this way on their big day. Now the trick is that before you walk down the aisle take a deep breath and remember three things . First, remember the aisle that you are about to walk up to the man you love.
Just keep saying to yourself the word aisle as you walk up the aisle. Then as you see the alter just keep saying to yourself the word alter.
And finally as you come closer to your handsome husband to be think of their wondrous hymn you have both chosen and just think of the that hymn. This will keep your mind off the nerves and you will be just fine.
The bride duly arrived and as the congregation stood the bride with her father arm in arm commenced the bridal walk up the aisle. As she walked slowly up the aisle passed the congregation a faint chuckle followed as the congregation overheard the bride saying in quiet deterined tones I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him – I’ll alter him.
Q. What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A. A crazy b*tch who will find you