"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown
"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!
A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.
"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"
"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."
"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”
Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”
*click* … *BANG*
Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.
Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’
A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.
"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won’t let me."
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."
I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.