The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I was in Las Vegas over the weekend. I thought it would be empty with the economy the way it is. But it wasn’t. There were people everywhere. Turns out roulette is less risky than the stock market." -Craig Ferguson

Some things never change—but the terminology often does.
Author Cindy Chupack has coined these useful neologisms to help the unattached negotiate the wilds of singledom.

Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.

Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind cop…"

My daughter is pregnant and early in her pregnancy she sent a downloaded picture of the baby at 8 weeks gestation and emailed it to her hubby at work, cc’ing it to his mum and myself stating that this was what our baby looked like now.
Without missing a beat he replied to her (and us) with the statement that he thought that at this stage their baby looked more like its mother than its father.

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

25 percent of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90 percent will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

A blonde died and went to heaven and was met at the gates by St Peter. St Peter said to her “we have a bit of a rush on at present however there are three questions you must answer before I can let you through. I’ll give you the questions so that you can think about them and save some time and tomorrow you can give me your answers”. “The questions are: How many days of the week start with the letter T? How many seconds are there in a year? (I know you’re already working that one out) What is the first name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”

Next day St Peter approached the blonde. “Well, have you given the questions some thought?” “Oh yes” said the blonde “there are two days in the week which start with the letter T – today and tomorrow”.

St Peter sighed. “Very well”, he said “How many seconds are there in a year?” “Oh that was the easiest” the blonde replied “there are twelve”. “Twelve?” St Peter said “how did you calculate that?” “Well, there’s the second of January, the second of February, the second of March…”.

St Peter said “I’m really letting you off lightly but you must get the third question absolutely correct. “What is the swagman’s name?” “Andy” the blonde replied. “Andy? How did you discover that?” “Easy – And’e sat, And’e watched And’e waited ‘till his billy boiled. The blonde passed through the gates with no further comment.

During the huge dust storm in Sydney on Wednesday I got a call from one of my colleagues in the office basement, who wanted me to move my car so he could leave. He said "Go and wash that thing. Its filthy! Its like you took it four wheel driving in the mud! Ugh!" I said "That’s South Australian bulldust". He said "No mate. It really is dirty
– and I’m not from South Australia!"

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

It’s the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible’, said the man.

‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.’

‘Oh ….. I’m sorry to hear that mate. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?’

The man shakes his head ‘No, they’re all at the funeral.’

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"

The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I’ll take care of everything."

"Fine," said the waiter.

The next day the headlines read: ‘Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death’

The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him, ‘Get yourself over here ! What’s your name?"

"Paul," the new recruit replied.

"Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they’re teaching in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by his first name," the sergeant scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only

Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as ‘Sergeant.’ Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant!"

"Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?"

The recruit sighed "Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, here’s what I want you to do ….."