Q. What do you call two straight days of rain in Auckland?
A. A weekend!
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once we’re worriers
"To promote the use of clean energy, a Swiss adventurist is going to fly around the world in a solar-powered airplane. He’s just praying that nothing bad will happen…like night." -Jimmy Fallon
In a brave and decisive move, disregarding the counsel of many of his conservative advisors, President Bush asked Congress to increase the penalty for corporate malfeasance from not going to jail for 10 years to not going to jail for 20 years.
Q. What do you get if you cross a doberman with Lassie ?
A. A dog that rips your arm off and goes for help.
Today I attempted to explain to my class what a mobile library is. "If something is mobile, it means that it can move around, and not just be in one place, such as a mobile phone," I hinted, "so, what might a mobile library be?" One little fellow put up his hand with a big grin. "It’s a library full of phones!" he declared.
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first break- fast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.
"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he’d finished.
"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."
"My mother used to say"….. Actually it was my father in law who used to say when he finished a meal "I’m totally fed up". We knew what he meant!
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it’s superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."
A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Get outta here, man–we don’t serve your kind here." The mushroom responds, "Why not? I’m a fun-guy."
Following on from the euthanased/anaethestised story: I once took my sick 10 year old daughter with me to work, and on the way had to take her tiny chichihua to the vet to have a grass seed removed from its ear. Vet examined the dog, and said "To get that out, we’ll have to put her to sleep." Of course, daughter only hear the last part, and became instantly hysterical, assuming it was the euphemism for euthanasia rather than anaesthesia. So I’m trying to separate hysterical child from grabbing hysterical dog, yelling at both of them, while the poor vet is standing there wondering what he just said.
The saying that I remember from way back was:
Have you the ordassaty to insinuate that I would tolerate such bombastic faciology from a low down no good ninkenpoop like you. and still to this day, I don’t really know what it means, but I’m a mother of 3 teenager daughters and 1 male toddler and I say it to them and it puts them in line, cause they don’t know what I’m saying either, but they sure listen.
Q. What do you find on small beaches?
A. Microwaves.
ALL MY LIFE I WANTED TO BE A FAILURE…UP UNTIL NOW I’VE BEEN A ROARING SUCCESS!!!
How would you pronounce this child’s name? "Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee – A?? NOPE
Lay – a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Detroit, MI. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It’s pronounced "Ledasha"; When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don’t be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tell them "the dash don’t be silent."
A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.
The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."
"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…"
"You’re not listening to me," the director protested. "I don’t want to make any more movies."
"But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed.
"I don’t want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.
"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!"
"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong? I’ll do it!"
"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…" With The Ashes about to start, this is from Dugald.
In order to assist people who not familiar with the game of Cricket, we offer this explanation . . . . . Cricket is a game in which there are 2 sides – one out on the field, and the other in. Each man in the side that is in goes out, and when he is out he comes in, then the next man goes out until he’s out and then he comes in. When the side that is in is all out, the side that has been out goes in, and the side that was in goes out and tries to get out the side that went in. Sometimes there are men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those not out and no longer in – that is the end of the game . . . .