The funniest thing I heard this week was a mother calling into a radio station complaining about the school holidays.
She said, “Life is short… but school holidays seem to go on forever!”
Another woman suggested that all you need is a large supply of riddles…. Here is one from Joy…
Q. How do Teddy Bears start a race?
A. Ready, Teddy, Go
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"
"It’s mating season," the keeper replies. "They’re inside."
"Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?"
"Probably not," answers the keeper.
"Why not?" persists the visitor.
"Would you?"
Q. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A. About half way.
"What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven." –Dennis Wolfberg
A chicken and a duck were standing on the side of the road.
The chicken turned to the duck and said "Don’t! You’ll never hear the end of it."
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."
There was once an doctor who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch – this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"
The doctor replied, "That’s no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri." "OK", said the genie, and a Ferrari appeared in front of the doctor. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferraris’," the genie told the doctor.
The doctor remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for 10 million bucks." So 10 million bucks appeared in front of the doctor and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 20 million bucks."
The doctor was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That won’t be a problem, will it?"
"No," I told him. "We just won’t have time to give you an anesthetic."
He arrived early.
A while back I was reading an engineering magazine which contained an advertisement for "microtunnelling". I wondered what microtunnelling was until I realised it was a little bit boring.
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate maths, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers I’d say zero." He handed me back my license.
"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I’m not that kind!"
"Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.
"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"
"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.
"What’s the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."