“For sale,” read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, “sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake.”
My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood.”How convenient,” she said. “I can walk to it!”
Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. “Don’t worry,” the nurse assured him. “You’re just having a little autopsy.” — Anne Santoro
Dr. Smith asks his patient, “Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?”
The patient replies, “Give me the good news.”
Dr. Smith says, “You’re about to have a disease named after you.”
Love the funnies! Here’s one in response to Mathew and Benjamin Franklin:
There are 10 kinds of people – those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
To add to Frances’ joke about ample amounts of food. My father used to say “I have had an elegant sufficiency and any more would be an overindulgence of an already exasperated appetite”
My grandfather had a similar saying: “I have had elequent sufficiency”. As kids we used to think he said “I have had ‘elephant’ sufficiency” & always thought he’d had way too much as he was rather portly.
Here’s a true story, if you’re interested: My husband and I were sitting in a crowded hospital waiting room the other day. We could hear a cleaner vacuuming in a nearby room. Our 3yo son loudly anounced that he could hear the vacuum and then asked, “He has to be quick because someone’s coming?”. It certainly lightened the atmosphere in the room.
“In disturbing medical news, a new study of 1,000 Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only 600 Americans involved in the study.” –Dave Barry
Two from Clarrie A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
‘You ok?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know.’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’he says. ‘ ‘Why?’ says the blonde. The boy says: ‘Because, I’m the f^?*ing goalie’
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around n@ked, you should sniff some Windex first.
It’ll keep you from streaking.
Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
We have twin girls who are now 12, but when they were about three, one was trying to tell a story and started with “One ponce a time”, which I hope she remembers when she starts going out with boys !
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’
‘NO!’ the children answered.
‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, the answer was ‘No!’ By now I was starting to smile.
‘ Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’
Again, they all answered ‘No!’. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’
A six year-old boy shouted out ” YUV GOTTA BE DEAD……….”
Having just read the funnies (I love them) reminded me of my son, Colin, last week telling me about this incident with his 3 year old son, Lucas.
His wife had just had a small tantrum and Colin said to Lucas, “Don’t worry son, your mother has anger issues”.
Few minutes later Lucas goes to mum and says, “Mum, why do you have angry shoes ‘.
When Colin was about 3 himself, we used to go to the “4 square store” (country town) for shopping and we had been teaching Colin manners.
The shop owner always gave little kids a chocolate frog for being good in the shop. My wife says, “What do you say?”, obviously expecting, “Thank You”.
Colin looked puzzled for a bit then said, “Gribbit, Gribbit”.
They are precious, aren’t they.
A cowboy enters a German car showroom and says “‘owdy”.
Also the funniest joke ever: Two women were sitting on a park bench, quietly!
My daughter recently spent her Kevin Rudd ‘Stimulus Package’ money on a trip to Queensland. After the plane had landed, the air hostess made an announcement. “Please give the pilots a huge clap for an excellent landing!” she encouraged. “Not bad for a couple of work experience boys!”
I have a funny for you from one of my 92 year old friends. If a fire hydrant has H2O inside, what does it have outside? Answer…K9P
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, “Put down ‘yes.'”