The Fabulous Friday Funnies

What’s Irish and out all night?

Patty O’Furniture

My doctor said I was paranoid… well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

I have a conflicting proverb – if someone says " Great minds think alike" its very hard not to voice "Fools never differ". Doesn’t always go down well though…..

We had just been to an all-you-can-eat restaurant for our son’s birthday and really got our money’s worth. As we waddled into the carpark holding our contented stomachs, we noticed a sign on the back wall of the building, ‘WARNING CHUBB.’

it has been a while since I contributed so I thought you might like a true life story as these are often the best. I was waiting in a doctors surgery where there were two doctors. The receptionist asked "which" (witch) doctor, my answer " I would prefer a normal GP doctor ! "

Here’s one for the kids that I really like from my five year old son tom

Why can’t millipedes play football?

Because, by the time they have got all their shoes and socks on the game will be over!

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

This man found his Irish Red Setter up in the vegetable patch trying to mate with a cabbage. He thought it was a caullie. (Maybe only Aussies will get this one!)

I loved the list of conflicting proverbs – it reminded me of seeing two books in the Self Improvement / Self Help section of a bookstore that someone had carefully put alongside each other. One was "It is the little things that count". The other "Don’t sweat the small stuff".

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was THAT?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she’s my mistress."

"Well, that’s the last straw," says the wife. "I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is, of course, yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who’s that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That’s HIS mistress," says the husband.

After a moment she turns and smiles to him, "Ours is prettier."

I agree with Benjamin Franklin from last week – there are three types of people in this world – those who can count, and those who can’t.

This is an oldie but a goodie.

A small Irishman had a little too much to drink and up ended his glass on the bar and said to all, "My names O’Malley and I’ll fight any man in the bar".

The local town’s blacksmith had just walked in, 7 ft high &
6 ft wide, 300 lbs, said, "my names O’Neil and I’ll fight any man in the bar".

The little guy looks at him and said, "his names O’Neil and mines O’Malley and we’ll both fight any man in the bar!".

I have a devoted lover who lets me give it to her both ways…..Cash or Check.

Two dogs, a horse, a rabbi, a leprechaun, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a blonde walk into a bar… the barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently called today’s college kids ‘lazy’ and ‘uninformed.’ A spokesperson for college kids said, ‘Whatever, lady from TV.’" –Conan O’Brien

I have something to add to the Greg/Jill quotes, though it’s not really funny… When we used to ask my very proper grandmother if she’d had enough to eat, she used to say – "I have had ample sufficiency, and any more would be vulgar superfluity." That blew us grandkids away. I think saying "ample" would have been ample!

While working in the library at a university, I was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to pay.

I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don’t understand," she blurted out. "I didn’t even read them!"

A Jewish man married a Chinese woman. Their marriage was doing so well that they decided to have a baby. The husband wanted the baby to have a name that epitomized "Jewish people of today." His wife wanted the baby to have a meaningful, Chinese name.

After much thought they chose to combine two very meaning- ful names into one for their special boy. They named him Cha-Ching.