The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway. News Flash …. this just in. The world’s religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.

True Story

My precious 16 year old daughter has recently started working casually at a local supermarket and so far her role has been at the front registers. She was very excited the other day when her supervisor took her aside and asked her if she would like some extra shifts in another department, as they were very pleased with her work.

‘Mum” she said, “they have asked me to work some more hours as they don’t have enough casualties in the deli!” Not sure why they want to increase their number of “casualties” but I do check she has all ten fingers still intact when she gets home!!!

A French poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.

“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

After a hard night shift the previous night and going in for another I hoped that the alcoholic patient wouldn’t be up all night again shouting and looking for alcohol. At the report there was a note left from sister. It read Ann, as Mr Smith is turning night into day his medication has been changed. In order to establish some sort of routine please ensure he is in bed before I am. I though how the hell do I know when she goes to bed….then it dawned on me it was 1 am in the morning Duh!!

“All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move.” -Benjamin Franklin

Just to tell you a saying a patient shared with me yesterday. “some days you are the dog ……Some you are the tree” Yesterday I was the tree until this made me laugh!

“It’s always the same with new inventions. I can remember when calculators came out. We weren’t allowed to use them in school. The teachers would say, ‘Calculators prevent you from learning arithmetic.’ I’d say, ‘I’m going into show business.’ ‘Well, you’ll need arithmetic to count your crushed dreams.'” -Craig Ferguson

“Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really.” –Jay Leno

I recall my mother saying: “Your sarcastic insinuations are too highly obnoxious to be amused by my superior intellect”.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,

“Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, n u d e woman comes up and pretends to be washing your wind- shield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me 3 times last Friday and twice on Saturday.

I wasn’t able to find them on Sunday.

We all love proberbs, and love to quote them, here is a wonderful list of conflicting proberbs…

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man’s meat is another man’s poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two’s company; three’s a crowd