On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.
Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’. Customer: ‘OK’. Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’. Customer: ‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK.
Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’ Customer:
‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’. Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’ Caller: ‘Yes.
That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
What do you call a Woolworths that has burnt down?
Coals.
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it …………it’s just spam
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower – Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve’s wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow’."
She said, "No, I’m not a widow!"
And I said, "I bet you a case of beer you are."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,’ he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage
One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.
"Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, ‘Now, that’s torture.’" –Jay Leno
Although desperate to find work, I passed up a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."
A child’s prayer
Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer…… Amen
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life–so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." –Matt Cartmill
An echidna trained to scuttle from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese, kabana and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime.
Crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep studying you’ll go broke!
A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’