A hallway in my house needed more light so I decided to install one of those lights activated by movement. So off I went to the lighting shop and told the helpful assistant that I needed ‘a motion detector for my back passage’.
There was a pause and then she cracked up.
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn’t.
"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don’t think it’s working." -Fred Marcum
A short story…
The big bad wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”. The little pig said “piss off or I’ll sneeze on you”.
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That’s how we got into this mess in the first place."
I telephoned the veterinarian’s office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten’s name?"
"Demon", I replied.
"Demon? That’s an odd name," she said.
"Maybe, but it’s appropriate anyway."
I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato is Spanish for ‘male cat’ (which), Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"
"Yes, it is."
"You really don’t like cats, do you?"
My late mother was too much of a lady to tell anyone they were a liar or a bulls&^t artist when telling a tall one, so she would say, "How dare you insinuate that I should tolerate such diabolical nonsense or is your mental capacity insufficiently developed to comprehend such bombastic phraseology"?. It took me years to wake up to what she was on about.
SHE The stars are really shining bright tonight and look so beautiful don’t they.
HE Darling ,I’m not in a position to say.
"A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car." -Jimmy Fallon
People change politicians for the same reason they change nappies
My wife said “Watcha doin’ today?” I said “Nothing” She said, “You did that yesterday” I said “I wasn’t finished.”
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate con- ditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down
Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old farmer while suturing a mean cut on the old man’s leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Prime Minister Rudd. The old fella said, "Well, you know, Rudd is a ‘post turtle.’" Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant. The old man replied, "When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle.’"
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued: "You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with."
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence." –Bill Maher
"My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’" -Thomas Friedman
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After ex plaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’