The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!

"Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." -David Letterman

Tony was attending his 4wd club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming Innamincka little place way outback (a) trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Tony left to go back home to the missus.

When Tony’s mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Cruiser , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"

"I didn’t have to", was Tony’s reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise ".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ‘ Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .’


A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man."

The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "you know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o’clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn’t get back until 10 o’clock that night! What do you think of that?"

To which the Australian replies, "yeah, I had a tractor like that once."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me … I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear…"

Doctor: "Hmm.. that’s normal… So if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to see…" The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop off."

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have your gum."

She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn’t chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!

"That must’ve been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss but before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!!!! The teacher had to leave the room….

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs…"

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. — Arthur Carlson