So many Swine Flu jokes already….
The swine flu pundemic
Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up.
Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
Developing a sty in either or both eyes.
Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.
Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon, have a go if you think you’re hard enough".
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout. This could be a false alarm, in which case you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.
Treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room and in the morning you will be cured
I woke up this morning thinking I had swine flu I had broken out in rashers! So I rang the swine flu hotline. But all I got was crackling…….
FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection. With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking. Doctor, Doctor. I’ve just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.
Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!
When life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?"
"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."
"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or b*tch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day…
The host of the convention says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The host says, "Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance."
So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."
The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."
Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levant
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."