"Don’t worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor- row you worried about yesterday."
My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," Mom said, "is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?" — Elizabeth C. Boulter
During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn’t play it as written.
When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he kicked the young musician out of the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink,gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say
‘Well, – whatcha gonna do about it?’
The little guy starts crying.
‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time’,the bikie says, ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY. – I can’t stand to see a man crying.’
‘This is the worst day of my life’, says the little guy between sobs.
‘I’ve got to admit it – I’m a complete failure -I just can’t do anything right.’
‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener – and then my own dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink – I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve – then you show up and drink the lot! ‘
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." –Aesop
"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."
"Jamaica?" Bob asked.
"No, it was her idea."
Some bad one-liners
- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Suicidal Siamese twin kills sister by mistake!
- My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. - In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
- I am having an out-of-money experience.
- Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Yesterday I was collecting in my local area for the Guide Dogs for the Blind, Paw Knock Appeal.
I now know why you don’t say you are a volunteer collecting for the Paw Knock Appeal. An elderly deaf neighbour looked at me aghast and wanted to know why I was wanting to collect pornography. From then on I said I was collecting for Guide Dogs for the Blind.
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.
"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.
"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."
‘Health is just the slowest way to die.’
Some riddles for the kids
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!
Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!
Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!
Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!
Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!