I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."
If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,
‘Talking Dog for Sale.’
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’
The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…
My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.
"Do you know what they say?"
"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."
"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.
Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..
Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.
A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"
Further to the kids’ riddles:
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?