Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named FRANK who was visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa.
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CURRY 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
JUDGE 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting barbecue flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CURRY 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Curry
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CURRY 4: Babu’s Black Magic
JUDGE 1: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans, Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
CURRY 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong curry, cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerably kick, very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Curry using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw the lot of them
CURRY 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CURRY 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE 1: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and wouldn’t feel a damn thing, I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CURRY 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE 1: A perfect blending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good, balanced curry neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number passed out, fell over and pulled the curry down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry.
FRANK: (editor’s note: Judge 3 was unable to report).